TAIA Books

by Tatyana Leo

To be frank, my family, my beautiful family of my sisters, my brothers, and my Mom, probably think I am going through a midlife crisis. They know that something is happening with me, and they explain it however they see it. The huge, unexpected step I took recently to end my almost 16-year marriage was unusual. It made them all question what is happening with me, with my mental state. Since I am acting contrary to my pro-family beliefs.

While they all discuss my shocking decision and find their interpretation, I want to address in this post what happened to me and why filing for a divorce was a natural and expected step for me. Actually, it wasn’t out of character for me to file for a divorce. I think each person, when they think about marriage, has certain moral beliefs that serve as guidance, and when things fall outside those guidelines, the marriage will end in divorce.

I think I was very lenient. I got married when I was 25, and I was still a virgin. I married a man who wasn’t a virgin. I decided not to look at his past. As long as he was presently practicing Christian beliefs. I knew the Bible very well; I memorized psalms and verses, and was tolerant when he didn’t know it very well. I told myself that as long as he was interested in the Bible, I was okay with that. At that time, he seemed to be really interested in the Bible. I was a virgin not because I was unattractive, or couldn’t find anyone. I was a virgin by my Christian beliefs. Every day, I would read the Bible with initially with my Mom, then with my Dad, and finally by myself. It made me understand that Christians are not of this world. That we are separated from this world.

Later in the US, I married a man I met at church, married in the church, feeling optimistic about my life. Then shortly after the marriage, my optimism subsided. I ended up having fights with my husband because he refused to read the Bible with me. Then he sometimes didn’t feel like going to church. Then I found him playing games on his phone during church service. All that made me feel disappointed, betrayed, and indignant. Then I realized that he wasn’t really interested in the Bible. He didn’t know much about the Bible and only knew enough to ask people questions to make it seem like he was interested in deep conversations about the Bible.

Later, I learned that it was all an act. However, it wasn’t the reason for a divorce. Our differences and choices made us increasingly distant emotionally. It was still not the reason for the divorce. During our arguments, he always blamed me for everything and said that I can’t divorce him because he’s not cheating on me and never will. He said that as a Christian, I can only divorce him if he’s cheating on me. However, I felt cheated.

There was a feeling in me that he was cheating on me. I felt it somewhere deep down. It matched the description when I looked online for behavior that comes with cheating. Except there was no evidence, no proof. Whenever I asked him, I inquired if he was cheating on me, and he always denied it. He said that he would never cheat on me, and I would never be able to have a Biblical reason to divorce him.

That feeling that he was cheating on me stayed, grew, affected me, made me think that I had some kind of mental illness, this unexplained paranoia. I went to see therapists, thinking that I was developing some kind of rare case of paranoia. Therapists said that there was nothing wrong with me. Nevertheless, the thought that something was wrong with me grew stronger.

I prayed and prayed for God to heal me from my mental illness, and nothing happened. In 2020, during the COVID-19 pandemic, I realized that I was falling apart and I needed to change things. That definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. By that time, I was listening to Orthodox Christian chats in Church Slavonic, especially from Valaam Monastery, and in English, and that helped me a lot.

I went to visit a local Orthodox Christian church, and when I arrived, tears ran down my cheeks. I felt like a labor camp victim and finally came to the kingdom of God. The chants were soothing my soul. Tears kept running and running, and I thought to myself, “That’s where you are, my Lord. I was looking for you for so many years. And you’re here, waiting for me.” I returned to the services. I started focusing on the new-to-me teaching of Orthodox Christianity, which told me to focus on myself. I found hope, focus, and peace.

My husband and my friends commented that I became calm. I indeed felt very peaceful inside. A couple of years later, I was discussing icons and how I don’t understand much about them. We ended up discussing that there are icons for a birth month. Since my birth month is January, my icon was a Russian icon of the Sovereign Theotokos (Mother of God), which represents justice and truth. I requested that icon, and it was brought to me from a monastery in Russia. Two weeks later, my husband told me that he had an addiction to pornography, which started when he was a teenager and continued during our marriage. I remember getting all still from shock. I heard my voice telling him from afar that I’m proud of him for not having that addiction anymore. I walked to the bathroom, turned on the water, and had a meltdown. I realized that what I felt for so many years, feeling incredibly lonely and depressed, feeling even physically sick, was the effect of pornography. Instead of being honest with me when I asked, he denied everything and blamed me for ruining peace in our relationship. This affected me so much that I called my priest that same day. I was so overwhelmed. He told me that the Orthodox Christian Church views pornography as committing adultery and that it is within my right to get a divorce. The revelation from my husband was so shocking that I didn’t know what to do and could only pray that God would give me guidance. I remembered how my husband always blamed me for all our fights. He always wanted me to dress in very modest, almost ugly clothes. My sisters complained that I dressed like an old woman. I remembered how his parents lectured me about how I’m not so affectionate toward their son. How they picked on me for not dressing how they wanted.

I found myself spending more and more time sleeping. Spending less and less time with my children. Feeling emotionally and physically tired and weak. I found myself asking my children to repeat their questions because everything seemed to pass me by. With all this, I thought I was doing well. A few months later, my Mom came to visit me, and she told my sister that she thinks I’m depressed. When my sister told me that, I said depressed, why would I be depressed. I just feel tired. Maybe I’m battling some kind of flu. I felt like I was withering. This confession pushed me back to the darkest moments when I felt the most horrible, and when I prayed and asked God what I had done, I felt like I was in darkness. I remembered how many years ago I felt suicidal and trapped, and I couldn’t even tell anyone how I felt.

I told my husband that he cheated on me. He denied it. He said that it was not cheating, but just an addiction. I told him no you cheated on me and my church recognizes that. He kept denying. I realized that I was put in a position to agree with him or take an action. That time, I started thinking about what, as Christians, we should be most aware of. I realized that it’s the spirit of antichrist that denies everything that Jesus Christ taught us. Denies the idea of true Christianity. I ended up listening to porno actresses and realized that pornography is an incredible cruelty against women, and whoever watches pornography participates in evil against women who are being used as sex slaves. When my husband told me that he didn’t see pornography as cheating, I told him that I see it as cheating, and I decided to file for a divorce. He said that no church will approve that. I told him that my church, the Orthodox Christian Church, views pornography as adultery and allows me to divorce. At that point he asked me to forgive me if I see it as cheating. I told him that I forgive him, but I always knew that if my husband cheats on me, that would be a reason to divorce him.

Eventually, I filed for a divorce. My husband said that his pastor told him that pornography is not a reason to divorce. I told him that it’s a reason for me to divorce, and my church approves of my decision. I felt calm as I filed for a divorce. It made me feel that there was a fraud committed against me and that my marriage was not really whole.

Looking back, I now understand why I felt like I was about to faint during my wedding ceremony to the point that I had to sit down because everything was turning black. This situation in my marriage and my sleepiness made me become aware of the spirit of antichrist that is affecting many Christians. As I focused on the path of healing and seeking enlightenment from God, I realized I want to address how it affects Christians in many ways and warn them.

For your reflection, I would like to leave you with the following verses from the Bible:

Romans 12:2 ESV

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

1 Thessalonians 4:3 ESV  

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality;