TAIA BOOKS

6/5/2024

Finally, I was able to meet up with one of my friends. We have known each other for a long time. My life remained the same, but her life changed. Twice, she canceled our meal together, giving me an excuse that she wasn’t in the mood to go out. I told her that’s okay, that’s fine. We’ll get together another time. Then again, she canceled on me with a similar excuse. I don’t know why I wasn’t hurt by her behavior, considering that I have a busy schedule and had to make time for her each time. I was still planning to see her. Finally, she managed to meet me for a meal in a good, quiet restaurant where we could have a soulful conversation and no one would disrupt or eavesdrop.
She smiled when she saw me and looked friendly and sweet, like her usual self. I hugged her. “Did I gain a lot of weight?” she asked me.
“No,” I responded. After she asked, I noticed her face and arms looked thicker. She came before me and was already sitting at the table when I arrived. “I’ve been eating lots of sourdough bread in the evenings when I don’t have my kids. I get so anxious when they are not with me,” she tells me. I nodded. I can’t do well without my kids, either.
“How has it been for you and the children?” I asked and listened when she told me that kids are growing, spending 50% of their time with their Dad, that is, having lots of screen time, going to neighbors to eat and play, and being wholly neglected while their Dad stayed glued to his devices.
“Guess how many pounds I’ve gained?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I told her and shrugged my shoulder. “I think people are too focused on their weight, which is the problem. We should be focused on being healthy instead. What weight is healthy for us.”
She smiled, approving my message. She told me that those two times, she couldn’t see me because she felt too embarrassed and depressed. She couldn’t get up from bed. She was dealing with lots of demons. She quit her job because the management went after her and called her for a meeting due to her excessive sick leave. She said that she didn’t feel comfortable disclosing to them that she was recently diagnosed with a personality disorder and had to take medications for that, which didn’t work. She walked out of the meeting, telling them that she was quitting. She said that she never felt so humiliated in her life. She was put on another medication, and that made her horny. As a result, she became addicted to pornography and then was meeting up with men from dating apps just to have sex a few times a week.”
“Do you judge me?” she asked, and her eyes looked scared.
“No,” I told her, hoping my face didn’t look shocked. “Anyone can be in your position.” I knew she was using a dating app to date. Her other friends convinced her to try dating, and after four years of divorce, she needed to look for a new relationship. When she asked about my opinion, I told her I prefer meeting someone organically, not on a dating app. Something was tasteless about dating apps. She tried to meet someone “organically” and ended up sleeping with a guy who happened to be her ex-husband’s friend. She fell in love with him. That’s how she is- gets easily attracted and completely engrossed with people. But he told her that he could not betray his friend, her ex-husband. I am unsure how it works in the guy world, but he decided he can’t betray his friend. That decision was made after sleeping a few times with her. Then he decided that pretending nothing happened between them was the best solution. I was there when she told me about the breakup when she was sobbing so hard that I had to wipe tears from her face with a tissue. Then she went on a rebound, and every encounter even more damaged her self-esteem. That’s when she went to see mental health professionals, ended up with a personality disorder, and was put on medications.
She didn’t know how to live with that type of personality disorder. I told her that professionals constantly make mistakes, and I know this from experience working since 2007 in healthcare organizations. I told her that she managed to live before without diagnosis; what changed?! Diagnoses should be viewed as a tool, an algorithm on how to improve your health and your life, but somehow, some people consider their diagnosis a death sentence. She agreed. Later, I learned that she was off for a month to try different medications, and one of them turned her into a nymphomaniac. She became such a nymphomaniac that I had to convince her to do STD tests and use protection.
All this was shocking and utterly unpredictable news for me. Considering that she divorced her husband because she didn’t want to have any sex. She had no desire, no libido. Another major factor in her marriage that upset her was that he didn’t pay much attention to her, never greeting her in the morning or when she came home from work- just face down into his devices. That same situation happened year after year. Then, from being “a weird husband” that she tried to find a solution to fix, one day, she lost all feelings for him. She was a conservative Christian like me, and she worried about getting a divorce until he acted one day out of his usual character, like he was going to punch her and make her run to her car. I supported her in her divorce because I believe people should walk away from evil. That’s what I read in the Bible. When she told him that she was filing for divorce, he suddenly decided it was time to work on their marriage with a therapist, while before, he didn’t show up to any therapy sessions. By that time, she was done and was gone emotionally. That’s when he started acting like he cared about her and their marriage. He put down all his devices, asked what she wanted him to do, and said he was willing to change. By then, my friend lost all her energy and drive and became utterly indifferent to his emotional appeals. When he realized that he was going nowhere, he started to threaten her that he could do this or that and take their kids away. He ultimately managed to convince her that he wasn’t a reasonable person in the first place, and she made the right decision to leave him. She was surprised when her parents told her he wasn’t good for her, but they didn’t feel comfortable telling her that because it should be her decision. When they finally divorced after the whole ordeal, she felt happy and looked slim, beautiful, and hopeful.
Do I really judge her?! No, I do not. I listened carefully to everything she said and knew I could’ve been in her place not too long ago. At one point, I was obsessed with divorcing my husband. And I knew that if I proceeded with a divorce, I might end up like my friends. I have two of them who became similar after their divorces. I try to meet with them regularly and listen to their horrifying stories, and every time, I become convinced to work on my marriage. After all, my husband was a good man, and I had problems in my head.