TAIA BOOKS

5/24/2024

After several sessions with my therapist, I graduated from moderate depression. According to my therapist, I no longer needed therapy. I definitely felt better; I had no more need to discuss anything with my therapist because I discussed everything that bothered me. Consequently, I could focus on my day-to-day activities and stay present instead of my mind shifting to past problems and feelings. As a result, I started to feel pleasure in doing regular activities, hobbies, sports, and more. As before, I became more disciplined in my activities and could even finish my tasks. I started to plan trips. I wanted to see the local gardens and began to plan a cruise to Alaska with my family. 

My husband noticed a change in me, too. He said I smiled more and was more engaged during conversations. He was surprised when I told him I had to see a therapist. To him, everything that bothered me or caused me any problems he wanted to hear. I think he didn’t realize that I didn’t want to tell him things that bothered me because I loved him and didn’t want to dump on him my problems that might upset him or cause unnecessary stress. Also, I wanted to hear an opinion about my concerns and situations from a professional who has no bias against me or another party.

I think the primary purpose of seeing a therapist was because I already had to see one before, and I received the much-needed help. After I had my second baby, I started developing the same signs of post-partum depression I had with my first baby. However, I didn’t want to wait until my symptoms got so bad, like with my first baby, and I came to see a therapist who helped me tremendously. She gave me a golden piece of advice: to have uninterrupted sleep for at least 4 hours within 24 hours, and the rest can be gathered during short naps.

She explained that for our brain to function somewhat normally, we must have at least that much uninterrupted sleep. Without that, our brains cannot function well and start declining. That explained why I suffered so much with my first baby. I don’t wish anyone to be in that dark, horrible place of undiagnosed depression. With my second baby, I also made some changes. As soon as I realized that my baby had colic and cried a lot, I immediately switched to pumping breast milk and feeding my baby via a bottle. I ignored everybody against it, including my friends, Mom, mother-in-law, and even my baby’s pediatrician. I refused to go to that same place of helplessness, suicidal ideation, and sadness from my baby’s terrorizing cry due to colic.

No, thank you. Immediately, as soon as I switched to pumping and feeding my baby with a bottle, my baby turned into a happy baby, and I turned into a perfectly happy Momma. First, I pumped every 3 hours, then after a week, every 4 hours; after two weeks, every 5 hours; and after two weeks, every 6 hours. All that I needed to tell my brain that I was not quitting breastfeeding, and I still needed to produce milk. I pumped every 6 hours until my baby turned 12 months, and I switched from breast milk to cow milk. From each breast, I produced 4 oz of milk for feeding, and every pumping amounted to two feedings for my baby. I was happy to measure the amount and know exactly how much I produced. As soon as my milk supply dropped a little, I drank coconut water to hydrate my body, drank tea with a spoonful of condensed milk to stimulate milk production, and pumped until completely empty for a few more minutes. 

As a result, I enjoyed being a mom to my second baby much better. I was able to do way more things. I was healthier; my baby smiled more, and Dad participated more because he could even feed the baby during my naps or outings. Overall, everybody was happy. I decided not to feel any guilt or blame when it comes to my first baby anymore, but when my mind goes back to that time, I wish I had done it differently. I wish I had done many things differently, and I wouldn’t turn myself into a nut case.