4/4/2024
I didn’t wait to start turning into Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, whose mind became like the mind of an animal and who lived with wild donkeys and ate grass ( the Bible, Book of Daniel chapter 5.) These all happened to Nebuchadnezzar because he was proud and stubborn, which seems like the worst qualities. I also remembered a situation when my sister called me, and I happened to be available to pick up the phone, or should I say the call.
My sister was so petrified that she was almost crying. She was on her way to a court to represent a client as his attorney, and while she waited for the green light in downtown in this state of California, a homeless man defecated on a sidewalk right in front of my sister. My sister had never had to experience anything so shocking in her life, and her mental state was in so much confusion that she doubted she could represent her client in court in several minutes. I remember telling my sister that we have to be thankful to God that we are not in that state of mind where that man reached the state of an animal and something so private for people became a public matter to him and something so unnatural for the people became a norm for him. And that didn’t happen overnight. It’s a process and sometimes a long process.
Therefore, I called a therapist and scheduled an appointment. It wasn’t scheduled for the next day, next week, or the following week. I had to wait for weeks and weeks to see a therapist. I came to my appointment not expecting much. My therapist was a man. But I didn’t care who my therapist was. He took me to his office and recommended that I be comfortable on a cushioned couch. He asked many questions. Those questions made me think and try to remember. The best part was looking out the window and seeing trees waving in the wind. I felt teary and exhausted and tried not to cry. Not from his questions but mostly from realizing what I’m going through emotionally and that I have a lot on my mind. A lot of burden and that he was the right person to share. I didn’t share much with my husband, my family, and my friends. Why burden them? If I told my husband what I experienced at work, he would insist that I resign and stay home.
But I liked nursing. I liked caring for patients and advocating on their behalf, which I did a lot. What I was dealing with had nothing to do with nursing but with politics, with inadequate people who didn’t care about nurses or patients and couldn’t even care about themselves. They were poorly dressed, with greasy hair, bad skin, overweight and obnoxious. Basically, people with poor self-esteem became managers, and they started playing psychological games on nurses and patients. They were all like-minded, supported each other, and were new to our city. They all found each other. They even lacked education. I couldn’t contain my tears when I told the therapist about my problems at work and how I couldn’t share them with my family and friends simply because they would all expect me to quit, and I wasn’t a quitter. Something horrible comes to mind for being a quitter. When do you leave abuse, or you’re expected to take it and grow a thicker skin?! Who’s going to take care of patients if I leave?
I felt relieved to have someone hear my story and have my voice heard, which was suppressed by my managers at work. That someone was completely objective and bound by no disclosure agreement and confidentiality. Most importantly, I would like someone who wouldn’t use it against me down the road. I think being betrayed felt the most traumatizing. My therapist informed me that I was suffering from moderate depression and recommended to see him regularly to discuss things that came to my mind. Acknowledging what I was going through by my therapist made me realize that I wasn’t some crazy person who exaggerated things. Initially, I was even afraid to disclose that the whole ordeal started at work when I declined to get the vaccine, citing religious beliefs.
Those obnoxious minds couldn’t even grasp that my Christian religion teaches me not to harm myself and that the concoction they called the vaccine was considered dangerous by most people who knew how the clinical trial process works. There is a reason you can’t skin the clinical trial stages and time required for the implementation of different processes. They tried to trap millions of people into their mediocracy called COVID-19 vaccine and used medieval tactics of uneducated and superstitious people to reach their agenda. That’s when my obnoxious managers went after me. I was afraid to share that with my therapist, knowing how liberal are the professionals in the psychology department.
However, my therapist assured me that it was my choice to make. He recommended that I see him for a few more sessions until I graduate from therapy. The most important thing I learned from my therapist was to understand boundaries that many people miss-we can only be responsible for ourselves and for our actions. We cannot expect or change other people around us. Since I wasn’t a quitter, I decided to stay and observe where things would end.
TAIA BOOKS 